A Recipe for Apple

As you may know, the problem for the Apple Company will be to replace Steve Jobs. Why not simply call him back from the dead ?

Some of you may have read the recipes I published some time ago. Here's the one for this case.

First: ensure that he will be buried intact, and not cremated.

1 - Get his corpse. Could be better after the funeral. Some specialists are available to do that nightly and secretly for a moderate price. Another option could be to replace the corpse before the funeral, but past events shew it's not the best solution, except if you prevent the family to look at the corpse during the ceremony.

2 - Clean up the corpse. There must remain no other matter than the person you want to get back: beware of parasits that could be already shewing the flesh. Remove also all protheses and foreign stuff not part of the original biology of the dead.

3 - Place the corpse in a large enough recipient with pure water to boil it, for example a big cauldron; this recipient must be trated so the boiled content won't stick to it. Bones can be broken to fit in, the corpse integrity has no importance as long as all its element are in the recipient.

4 - Boil it during several hours, adding some dissolvant (but not acid), gum and honey (as done for Egyptian mummies) will help. Ensure there remains enough water all along the process.

5 - When the corpse is liquid and bones supple, let the fire go down.

6 - Refill the recipient with water. And revive the fire. 

7 - Let boil at full heat until no liquid remains, and more important, until the bones and teeth are reduced. Refill with water and fuel the fire until it's done.

8 - At the end, you must obtain a pure white crystalish matter remaining in the recipient.

9 - Move this matter to a crystal mortar and reduce it in powder. Be sure you don't lose any part in the process.

10 - You now have the Essential Salts of the dead. Ready to being to call back to life with the words of power:

Y'AI 'NG'NGAH,

YOG-SOTHOTH

H'EE-L'GEB

F'AI THRODOG

UAAAH

11 - Optional: if you don't have full use of the subject, you can send him back to his Essential Salts state:

OGTHROD AI'F

GEB'L-EE'H

YOG-SOTHOTH

'NGAH'NG AI'Y

ZHRO

This can be done as many time as you need.

Before calling back a dead, some precautions must be taken. Even if the subject was not a wizard (be especially careful with those!), some mishap can come, the most frequent one being the recalled too traumatised to keep his sanity.

So be sure to have some sturdy fellows ready to master the subject and bind him if necessary, or havock may happen.

In case you have to kill him before use, you can restart the process of getting his Essential Salts, provided he remains in the needed conditions as before his first passing.

One last thing: when brought back to life with this process, the person may live indefinitely and can be disposed of only by violent means or be killed by accident.

Thus, with reasonable precautions, Apple would never have to worry again about replacing its leader.

The legal situation may be complicated, but this company doesn't lack lawyers to solve that. I advice discretion, though. The best way to manage this kind of situation being keeping the resurrected subject behind the scene, and placing a puppet man on the mediatic front. Tim Cook seems a good choice.

This trick worked well in Russia during the Soviet era and after, nobody ever suspected their policies had so a Rasputin spirit. Since the latest change of regime, they even added some humor when choosing the new puppet, Putin without the "Ras".

So now the question is: how many Apple engineers do you need to boil a cadaver until obtaining its Essential Salts ?